Since July and my relationship ending, I have fallen into a season of more downs than ups. I started online dating then abruptly stopped after a string of duds, I moved into my own place, didn’t get the promotion I was shooting for, and my grandfather passed away.
The emotions that have followed each of these life-changing events have been extreme. I have cried more during the last three months than ever before. Anyone who knows me can vouch that I do not cry, and lately, the tears have just been flowing and I haven’t been stopping myself.
I know that this time things have to be different. I can’t run away from my feelings or distract myself like before. This time, I am going head first into the shit storm. What this looks like for me is counseling, journaling, digging deep into my Bible, spending ample time alone, not drinking to numb, and being open to sadness and tears.
I realize that I need to stop forcing things to fit where they shouldn’t, letting go of the bad so I can take in the good, and be okay with being me no matter how broken or imperfect I am. There are scars from the past that I have to let heal and accept that they are a part of me, but don’t define me.
Through all of this, I am learning that practice doesn’t make you perfect, it makes you present. My goal for the next few months is to develop new practices that make me more present and in touch with what is going on in my life. Practicing anything brings you into a moment. Think about it, practicing an instrument, new language, a sport, etc., makes you acutely aware of that moment because of the concentration required to learn it. I am guilty of passively going through many of the days’ activities and am more often than not distracted by technology all day. I consciously need to practice being present by having technology-free times during my day, allowing myself quiet time to journal or to walk with Doug, time of prayer and reflection, and practicing things I love or have always wanted to learn.
So, to make me more accountable, I am sharing it here: I am going to learn how to play the guitar! Stay tuned for how this practice engages my mind in a new way and help make me present!
I will leave this post with this — be kind to everyone you meet because you never know what story they are writing….
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